In July 2011, my
Garmin became my best friend. Visiting the Hudson River Valley for the first
time, without a map or computer directions, my husband and I knew that our GPS
system, affectionately known as Hope, was our only hope. Each day I typed in
the addresses or names of places we planned to visit, and Hope came through
every time.
Occasionally we would
decide to go to a local restaurant or store, and when we swayed from Hope’s
directions we would hear her say, “recalculating.” She would figure out where
we were and set us on a new path. At one of those moments, I looked at my
husband and said, “Recalculating – That’s how I’ve had to lead my life for
almost two years.”
I am a cancer patient
fighting a very rare form of cancer, known as liposarcoma, which is a soft
tissue sarcoma. I fought and won battles against liposarcomas in my right thigh
and groin in 1995 and 1999, and for ten years I lived a wonderful, normal life
with my husband and two daughters.
In 2009, another
liposarcoma was found in my groin, beginning a journey involving chemotherapy
(with the requisite hair and weight loss, low blood counts, blood transfusions,
mouth sores, hemorrhoids, sleeplessness…) followed by a 10-hour surgery,
hospital stay, recuperation, physical therapy, weight gain, hair growth and
entry back into the world. Would I have ever believed then that there could be
a recurrence of the cancer? Well that’s what happened - this time with surface
tumors on my thigh and one on my right lung. Back for more surgeries, 40 rounds
of radiation of my thigh, and then a post-radiation MRI and CAT scan, which
revealed a new tumor on my lung. On to more chemotherapy, which unfortunately
still didn’t get rid of (or even shrink) the tumor. And then on to Cyberknife,
which may be slowly working. My journey continues…
So why do I say that
recalculating is how I’ve had to lead my life? Because it’s the only way I’ve
been able to remain sane through this nightmare I’ve been living. Let me
explain.
Although I would say I
am, regrettably, a pessimist at heart, I believed last year that I would be in
remission following the months of chemo and difficult surgery I endured. I
never thought otherwise. I expected to pick up with my life.
I was wrong and had to
deal with the cancer returning just a few months later. This time I realized my
life would not be the same, and I think I subconsciously started to recalculate
my thoughts and the way I approached my life.
I want to share my philosophy
on recalculating with other cancer patients and those living with serious
disease. Maybe what I have learned will provide some help and solace to you.
RECALCULATING
Treatment: It’s important to understand that certain
treatments work better on some people than others. Forget about the numbers
you’re given (“it works on 50%, so the odds are good”), because the odds aren’t
often good enough. Cancer is an evil intruder that is often stubborn and
difficult to beat. Be prepared to change treatments mid-stream and go with the
flow. Maybe one of them will work.
RECALCUTING
Expectations: So the doctor told you that your treatment will
start in a week. The sooner the better, you think. Then you learn that your
insurance company is questioning the treatment, asking for all kinds of
documentation, and dragging its feet. Next week becomes three or four weeks
later, while your tumors seize the opportunity to grow larger. Recalculate your
expectations because things usually don’t go the way you imagined.
RECALCULATING Daily
Routines: I feel fortunate that I haven’t had to
recalculate my daily routine much of the time. For me, being able to
continue working (except for the times when I feel sick from treatments or am
post surgery), is a welcome relief. Focusing on things other than my
illness helps me get through the day, and work is a reason for me to get out of
bed in the morning. However if work isn’t for you, recalculate and try to
find something you enjoy doing when you’re feeling well, whether reading a good
book, watching old movies, seeing friends – maybe attending a support group –
whatever is right for you.
RECALCULATING
Friendships and Relationships: Having cancer affects
your relationships with others. Normal conversation changes when you’re worried
about your next treatment, another tumor, whether you’ll be here next year…
It’s harder to talk with others about things that were once normal, because
your life has changed so dramatically. It’s okay to tell friends and loved ones
that you need your privacy and will be back in touch when the time feels right.
Sending an occasional email update (always best to blind copy the recipients)
can be an easier way to stay in touch. Or writing a blog if you’re up to it.
Taking care of yourself and your emotions, and being less concerned about
others, is paramount now.
RECALCULATING Plans:
Planning vacations, buying theater tickets, and making dinner
reservations is a normal part of life for many. Looking ahead to good things
keeps you going when work gets tough, kids are demanding, and the everyday
stresses of life take over. It’s best, however, to forgo planning when dealing
with cancer. With changes in treatments and schedules, unexpected side effects,
and many doctor appointments (just to mention a few kinds of interruptions),
it’s difficult to know your schedule a week in advance, no less months in
advance. Recalculate your thinking and enjoy a last-minute getaway (good deals
can often be found online) or take a trip by car. (It can be a relief not to
have to go through airport security, and packing is so much easier when
traveling by auto.) Want to go to the theater or a sporting event? It’s not
necessary to always buy tickets in advance – see what’s available the day-of,
and you may be nicely surprised.
When I first started
writing this piece, I read some of it to a dear friend who had battled another
rare type of sarcoma. Much of what I wrote resonated with her, and something
she said particularly resonated with me. She said that to get through many of
life’s challenges (not just illness), individuals need to recalculate their
thinking – whether to cope with the death of a loved one, handle unemployment
for a prolonged period of time, or get through a divorce. Without
recalculating, we are more apt to get stuck in a myriad of emotions that could
end up paralyzing us. Recalculating is a way to rebalance oneself to survive
whatever the challenge.
HOPE for the future is
the only thing I will not recalculate. I need to keep this resolve for all of
the battles I have yet to fight.
I hope you try
recalculating in your life. It might just help you find your way.
If you wish to reach me, email judyzgrossman@gmail.com.
© 2011 Judith Zamost Grossman All
rights reserved.
Beautiful and Inspirational
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